It’s been a while since I posted. I’ve been busy with summer and navigating life with a fresh teenager. Talk about finding a new way to parent over night!
Funny how life recycles and gives you new challenges to deal with while also allowing old stuff to surface in new ways. I would like to say for the record that I don’t like old stuff coming back to bite me in my already tired and deflated rear end.
The past is in the past and I’ve really tried to deal with it, find my peace, find out how to not make the same mistakes I did back then, and really chew on what I’ve learned about myself in the process. What was my role in all of that? What did I do to contribute to that mess and how can I make sure I don’t do that anymore going forward? I thought I had that figured out…and then it comes back once again with fresh enthusiasm in a different yet the same light. Really!? Come ON!!!
I guess I still have learning to do. I’m the kind of gal who likes to put a bow on it when I feel I’m done and put it away. God’s got a different plan for me though…figures…his way and not mine. Want something to change? Chew on it…here it is Susanna because you’re not done with it yet. Pray for patience? God will give you trying times …sweet Jesus I’m having some!!!!!! Exactly how much more do you think I need right now Lord?
So I climb. I climb every day I climb. Some days the climbing is easy…like going up a flight of stairs, like climbing an easy rock climbing wall…big circles, solid footing, obvious places for my hands. Easy parenting day…easy climb. Horrible day of sadness…tiny rocks, no footing or places for my hands to grasp…but I have to climb anyway. We all do.
Old garbage coming back to visit with no solution in sight? I don’t even know what that rock climbing wall looks like because I am standing at the bottom looking up at a slick wall with no rocks on it! Climb anyway…climb anyway…I’m trusting God and climbing anyway. Find footing with careful filters…learn from past mistakes and find places for your hands to grab through prayer and keeping your mouth shut!
While the climbing is easy or difficult depending on the day it’s not the real challenge…the real challenge is when you’re at the top and you have to let go. You have to let go of what you are holding onto and trust that your harness and your rope will carry you gently back to the ground.
I’m terrified of rock climbing but I love it anyway! Every time I go I am excited to get harnessed up and then I stare at the top of the first wall and come up with excuses not to climb. I push through my fears and up I go. One foot and arm at a time. I look straight in front of me (never down) and take it one step at a time until I reach the top. Here comes the terrifying part…time to let go of the wall and float down trusting your harness and rope to hold you.
Every time I consider just climbing back down on my own and not letting go of the wall but every time I take a deep breath and let go. It’s where faith steps in and carries me…every time. I’m scared but I know the only way down is to let go…to trust God and know he will carry me.
He does…every time. I’m shaky at the bottom, scared, proud, and terrified at the same time. Thank you God for carrying me when I let go. I don’t like walls with no footing but I know it’s the wall in my path right now. I’ll climb it because I know you’re my harness and rope.