“If happy little bluebirds fly…. beyond the rainbow…. why oh why….can’t…I?”

Seriously… today of all days, this week of all weeks. I promised to come through for you and I failed. Failed miserably and feel really stupid too. Sissy was on a mission to bring something out of all of this…to try and give something to you, Sean and Ray Ray…and came up empty handed. 

Why? Why do things get out in your path if you can’t do anything with them? Why add salt to an already gaping wound? Why say “here’s what you have and it is 100 percent wrong in every single way and there’s not a darn thing you can do about it!” Oh and by the way…. happy birthday!

Happy birthday? Happy!? Really!? How about just ‘birthday’ this year. Honey, I know how you feel and I want to scoop you up and fix it. I want to scoop you in my arms and give you the kind of hug you don’t want! 

I want to pet your hair and watch Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion and laugh for two hours until it’s over and reality sets back in.  We’ll each have a couch and in a perfect world we’d have Rachee with us and a bottle of wine. Actually in a truly perfect world we’d have mom here and we’d welcome the opportunity to share a couch with her and have one of us rub her tiny little toes. 

Sadly that’s not the case. What’s a word that’s 100 miles lower than ‘sadly’? Find it and insert at the beginning of the paragraph. I can’t fix this. I am so so sorry. I can’t fix it. 

I’m the fighter. I’m the one who goes to battle with a vengeance. I didn’t even get the chance. ‘No’ is just a starting point for me but in this case, no actually meant no. I don’t know what to do with that. I’m just so so sorry. 

You deserve more this year. We deserve more. We deserve to have our mother here giving us hives before we even know she’s coming near us. We deserve to have her driving us nuts with 10,000 emails a day and technology questions. We deserve to be able to go to her immaculate house and cook in her tiny kitchen. And you know what???? She deserves to still be here. She deserves to still be here. She just does. 

This week was worse than the day she died. That’s a big thing to say but I think all of us would agree that this week was worse than her actually dying. 

I’m just so sorry Bekah. All I can do is love you with all my heart and insert my inner lion when needed.  It’s all I have to offer and it can’t come close to what you need and deserve…I’m so sorry. 

I love you Sissy so much. I would take on everyone’s grief if I could. I would find the ruby slippers and make sure they got back on your feet where they belong. I would melt the witch. I would give the lion his courage, the tin man his heart, and the scarecrow his brain. I’d crush the wicked witch of the East and bring our world back to black and white….if only I could. I love you so much Bekah. You, Sean, and Rachel are everything to me. ‘Birthday’ Bekah…There’s no place like…

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