Sorry I haven’t written in a while. Mother’s Day is almost here. I’m struggling with this one for obvious reasons. This is the first Mother’s Day where I won’t have a mother to celebrate. For all those motherless moms out there, I have now joined your club. This is one I didn’t exactly choose to be a part of. None of you did right?
I get going on auto-pilot into my day and it’s the quiet moments when I would normally pick up the phone to call you or email you that sting. I still want to call you. I haven’t deleted the home number off my phone because I just can’t. I laugh when I”m doing something you would consider ‘loud’ as I talk on the phone with my friends because I know you would always ask me to call you back when I had a quiet house. That’s usually never! It’s the one memory though that actually makes me laugh. Everything else pretty much makes me cry when I think of you.
Rachel is graduating next week and we are all going to be in New York. You should be with us too. I, like you already have my bags packed and am practically waiting by the door with my purse in hand ready to go. I know you would have picked out all new outfits to go, and we would have flown up together. Sadly that’s not the case. Bekah, Rachel, and Sean…well you know how they are doing.
Here’s what is so hard…I am a mother and my girls are going to want to celebrate me on a day when I am going to naturally be sad. The ads on TV are killing me. Anything with older moms and their daughters is like a dagger in the heart. Three generations of girls with pretty lighting all baking in a kitchen..someone put me out of my misery.
I have to admit this and allow myself to feel what I’m feeling right now. I am so so sad. I miss you momma so much. I truly miss you with all of my heart. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. I assumed I would have you around to drive me nuts for many more years to come. You’re not here anymore and I miss you so much. I catch myself all the time saying “Did that actually happen?” “Oh my gosh….she’s gone…she’s really gone…”
I didn’t make it in time to say goodbye. I was stuck in traffic screaming at the top of my lungs for all the cars to move and they didn’t. There I was with Lauren and Elizabeth in the car, calling everyone I could at the hospital, calling Rachel in New York and telling her to get on a plane, and every phone call came with worse and worse news. I finally got to your house and dropped off the girls. As I’m flying down the brick streets trying to get to the hospital Bekah calls me and tells me that I have to be the one to tell the doctors to stop working on you. I’m screaming “noooooooooooo” and help me Jesus I don’t know how I made it to St. Anthony’s. Bekah has the most level head in times of crisis…I don’t know how she saw what she saw that day and did what she did. It’s absolutely gut wrenching.
I got there too late. I didn’t make it. They let me go in and see you and the only thing I could whisper was “momma…momma….momma”. I carefully hugged you, I pet your hand and I rested my head beside you. I was hoping you would wake up. I was so hoping you would wake up. I’m so selfish because I wasn’t ready to let you go. I know this isn’t about me but I’m still not ready to be without you mom.
I don’t want your furniture here… I want it in your house in St. Pete. I don’t want your dishes, towels, clothes, jewelry, makeup or perfume here either. It all belongs in your house in the Old Northeast. I want you here for Mother’s Day… not your things, not your memories. I miss you so much. I just want my momma. I want you here mom. I want you here.
I’m not angry, I’m not hopeless, I have no regrets whatsoever… I just miss you and I’m sad. I love you so much momma and I’m just sad. I know you are in Heaven with Jesus and are overjoyed. You deserve that and I’m so happy for you. You have perfect peace and a whole new body. I can’t imagine it being any more beautiful than the one you had on earth. On my best day I’ll never be half as beautiful as you mom.
I’m comforted by Jesus. I’m surrounded by Sisters in Christ. I have blessings beyond measure. All of these things thankfully allow me the opportunity to grieve for you whenever it decides to come out, so that when it comes out I can cry a beautiful cry that simply is born out of true love for you.
I’m going to allow these tears to fall, and I’m going to ask for comfort from my friends this week as I am genuinely missing you right now. I may not be inspiring others daily like I try to do all the time but I also know it’s ok. It’s ok for me to be sad. It’s ok for me to miss you. It shows you just a fraction of how much I love and adore you.
I love you momma. I love you so much. Happy early Mother’s Day to you in Heaven.