I get in my own way…every single day. Land mines are everywhere. My feelings get hurt. My expectations are not met. My to do list is too great. My to do list is overwhelming. People are out to deliberately be passive aggressive and hurt my feelings (because the world DOES in fact revolve around me). I pile up my list of disappointments and frustrations like rocks in a corner. I let them build too. One rock in the corner is not enough…I wait for a whole pile to build up and when the time is absolutely not right in any way, shape, or form I sling them. I sling them hard too. It doesn’t matter if i sling them at my husband, my children, or mostly myself. I sling them.
I have no excuse for this. I can’t blame this one on grieving for you mom….unfortunately this is my selfish human nature that Ive had for the past 44 years. You always said how selfish I was and I know it to be true. I would get so angry at you for pointing this out to me. But in truth, my anger was at myself because you would always put a mirror up in front of my face to show me the ugly that needed to be fixed.
I forget to go to God. How is that when I feel more plugged into him than I ever have been? I don’t know why this happens but I forget to go to God. I think I can control everything. I can manage it all because that’s the type of person I am. Type A, controlling. I take pride in adding things to my list so I can feel accomplished when I finish them. Ugly truth….they can also be a rock to sling at the person who DID NOT do all the amazing things I did…I do this and this and this and this and this…..what did YOU DO???? It’s ugly and I need to be smacked out of it.
Fear not momma, I get knocked back into my place because I ask for it. Most of the time it is way later than it needs to be but I always ask God to knock me back into where I need to be. He lets things go as far as I can handle and then he takes over. It’s the PROCESS that’s so frustrating. Every time I give everything to God I am overwhelmed by his love, his actions, his comfort…so why the heck am I not going to him FIRST with everything?
Why does the every day get in the way? I know this is a huge part in my walk with Christ and I know that this struggle between doing things my way and the way God wants me to is put in my path for a reason but it’s hard.
When I’ve done all I can do I surrender….I surrender it all….my good, bad, ugly, tears, broken heart, I surrender. There are times I am so overcome with emotion that I can’t even think the words to pray to God. Imagine that….I’ve always got something to say, an opinion on anything, and pride myself on being a good communicator. There are times I don’t even know how to articulate what I am thinking or feeling to God. So I surrender…..I raise my hands to heaven and that is my prayer. The act of my hands up in the air is my giving everything I have…my whole self to God and knowing that he knows my heart so I don’t need to form words to say to him. It’s the reset button I need to get me back to where I need to be with God…I tried it all my way and now I’m giving you my mess and letting you know that I am going to work my hardest to give you everything first instead of doing it all on my own.
My hands go up to Heaven a lot these days and I have no shame stopping anything I am doing anywhere to raise them up. It’s my most unselfish thing I can do.
I love and miss you momma. I hope you are doing well. I know you are. I still miss you. I hope you are proud of me. I’m trying. Every day is a new day. I miss you.