I suck. I know that is a bad word to say if you are a Christian but add that to my many list of flaws… i suck. I haven’t been very inspiring today. I haven’t put anything positive, uplifting or hopeful out in the universe. I strive for something positive every day because it feels so good to put good out there. But today I have just been so sad.
Sadness is different from grief. Grief hits like a Mac truck and will literally knock me down with hysterical crying that I can’t control. Sadness is the cloud hanging in your heart. I’ve been so sad lately. I want to call you every day and talk to you. I check my email and you haven’t written. The half marathon is coming up on Sunday (just shoot me now please… someone put me out of my misery). I want you to put your tiny hands on my face and tell me that everything is going to be ok.
This time last year You were here for the talent show. You saw Elizabeth sing her heart out on stage and you were so proud of her. We had so much fun watching the Iowa Caucuses after the girls went to bed. So many memories are washing over me. I can’t believe you won’t be here anymore to see my girls grow up, to photograph every piece of their childhood, to share your heart with them. They miss you so much.
Little things everywhere remind me of you. Auto pilot kicks in and I still think you are here and I can share them with you. But I can’t because you are gone. Dear God in Heaven… I’m so so so sad. I can’t feel any sadder. I’m on the ground and begging for comfort, for peace, for strength.
Facebook showed me a memory today from this day last year. Lauren was on the phone with you and you were planning a trip to see me and the girls this time last year. It hit me so hard. I’d give anything to be able to pick up the phone and talk with you. Please let this be just a nightmare. Please….I just want you back.
I’ve been strong this whole time and I think this weekend is absolutely going to kill me. People get to run the Celebration Half, earn a medal, be proud of their well deserved accomplishment and I get to go to St Pete to finalize emptying your house and give keys back. I get to be there to help Bekah but help me Jesus, I’m probably going to be on my knees sobbing the whole time. I get to remember that this time last year you were alive and cheering for me…always so proud of whatever I would do. Even though I fell down on the race and was slower than I had ever been in years past you were there at the finish line with the biggest smile on your face. You were the only one there for me and you were so proud.
Mom, I can’t put an inspiring spin on this post. I am broken-hearted and I just want you momma to hold me. Please come back….please. I’ll do anything for you to just come back. Your baby needs you and is so sad.
Dear Jesus, help me get through this so I can be a blessing for someone. Help me be strong so I can be uplifting, so I can share how wonderful you are. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…. thank you for my relationship with you Jesus.