So here I am thinking I’ve got this Jesus thing down. I’m praying all day every day, I’m reading my mommy daughter devotional to my girls when we eat breakfast, and I listen to Christian music on my SiriusXM radio in my car. Jesus is everywhere right? In theory yes.
So why do I find this week to be so spiritually challenging? I feel like there are so many layers I’ve been introduced to recently about my relationship with the Lord and the thought of all of it is a little overwhelming. I’m in a weekly bible study group and let me tell you…. these women are warriors for Christ. Makes me feel like my 44 years of knowing about the Lord are nothing. They quote scripture off the top of their heads, and they are deep thinkers, wise with their words and thoughts.
Compared to them, I feel like I’m at the kids table and they are at the grown ups table at dinner. I’m sitting there with my little spoon, my plastic partitioned bowl filled with dry cheerios, and a sippy cup….a pink one with Cinderella on it.
Everything I know up to this point is just the beginning. It’s only just the start. It’s a little scary because I thought I knew so much already. I want to be the perfect student for Jesus and I don’t want to mess anything up. I know this should be exciting and happy. There’s a whole world I’m being introduced to and it’s one of comfort, love, acceptance, grace…everything. Yet this week I’m a little overwhelmed by it.
As I step back and try to see why I feel that way a friend of mine told me today that because I was a new Christian (44 years new) Satan was trying to pull out the little plant that is now growing within me. Wow! She’s right! No better way to try and squash a happy heart than by throwing doubt on it. “You aren’t doing this right”, “There’s so much you don’t know”, “You’re so far behind everyone else”.
Yeah… all that’s probably true but I’m resolute in my journey and all that comes with it. I have a willing heart and want so much to learn more. My faith is unwavering and while I will fall down daily I will always fall at Jesus’s feet and ask for forgiveness. I also need to get out of my own way and pray before I overthink. Anyone else feel like this?