Dear mom,
I’m sorry I haven’t written you sooner. I’ve been too sad to. Every milestone this year is difficult. The holidays and now spring birthdays with the girls. I think the next few weeks are going to be worse then when you died because I know how much we all loved spring.

You’ll be happy to know that I hit Target on your behalf yesterday to the tune of slightly less than $400šŸ˜€…just on Easter baskets!!! I thought of you as I pushed the very full cart through the aisles knowing you would have gone nuts over all the adorable spring things! Umbrellas, spring jammies, Easter stuff….I hit it hard! I know you were smiling from heaven and I know you would have gone nuts if you were with me here! Target is just the best!

I only cried once on Elizabeth’s birthday. It was when my friend sang happy birthday into the answering machine for Elizabeth. I lost it because it was something you would always do and I was so happy and sad at the same time when she sang it. Elizabeth had a wonderful birthday. We made a lemon pound cake just like the ones you made and she was so happy. I am amazed at how comforted I was that day. God knew my heart, he knew what I could handle and thankfully he put a protective bubble around me all day so I could be happy and truly celebrate Elizabeth.

I’m praying for the same for Lauren’s birthday too. It just gets sadder though because her birth was such an incredible time in our lives and you were there for all of it. We rushed around getting everything ready so we could relax one day before she was born and all the rushing caused me to go into labor! I love how I told you it was no April Fools joke that I was in labor and you and the girls shot out of bed at 4:00am and were ready to go!!

You photographed the whole birth, you held my hand, you held one of my legs when I pushed, you cut the umbilical cord, and you were the first one to speak to Lauren. Your bond with her is so strong mom. It always has been and I think it was because you spoke to her first.

We had so much fun the first week she was home. You slept right next to me and woke up every time Lauren did and helped me. You and me snuggled in the bed and Lauren right next to us in her Pack and Play. You saved me that first week. Absolutely saved me. I was so grateful for your help.

The girls miss you. They miss you so much. They cram their feet into the sandals you bought them last year for spring. It absolutely breaks my heart because they are too big for the shoes now yet insist on wearing them because they were a gift from you.

Lauren’s birthday, my birthday, Easter Sunday, and Mother’s Day will be like taking a bullet each day. I have Jesus and that’s everything. I don’t know how people grieve without the comfort of our savior. I am comforted but there are still moments of pure grief. It pours out loudly and without reservation.

There are so many things I want to tell you every day. I want to pick up the phone and call you but I can’t. I want to compare gifts with you to make sure you didn’t get the same thing because we have the same taste! I got glasses…they are really cute. I took a selfie and you would have been the first person I would have sent it to. I check my email every day but there’s nothing from you. I’m getting my hair done today so my roots won’t get too grown out. You’d be proud. I’m still eating healthy and feeling great! I’m dying for you to come over for a week so I can cook for you and you can take pictures. You can go through the girls closets and pick out adorable outfits and we can have a photoshoot.

I can’t buy a new comforter for the bed because I don’t want to let go of the one you gave me. I know it has rips in it but I still can’t buy a new one. Elizabeth is trying out for Headliners at school in a few weeks. It is a singing and dancing group. I’m so proud of her and I know you would be too. She’s a performer at heart.

I weep for Bekah, Rachel, and Sean. I want to scoop them up and hold them every second of every day. I want to take away their tears and make them happy. We all are going through the same sadness but it makes me sadder to know that my sissies and brother feel the same as I do. I can’t fix it for them and I want to so desperately. It breaks my heart knowing you aren’t here anymore.

I have amazing friends. Sisters in Christ who are everything to me. I have two bible studies I go to and I have learned so much about true friendships, trust, love, and most importantly of all, how to have a relationship with Jesus. So overall, I’m worlds better than I was this time last year. In fact, I’m a different person entirely. How I see people…what I stear clear from. I’m changed, grateful, I’m whole, redeemed, and most of all I’m comforted in the midst of it all.

I miss you momma. I miss you so much. But I know I’m making you proud of me in Heaven. I’ll write sooner next time I promise. I know you are happy where you are. Give grandma and granddad a hug and kiss for me ok? Love you momma,
Susanna

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