Dear mom, (Susan Woods Alderson),
My brown square shaped button down polyester shirt is on order and there is the music of Debbie Downer following me wherever I go.
Oh my gosh…. I can hear the music plain as day….. “whaaaaaaaa whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa” (camera zooms to extreme closeup of my face) 😀
I feel like I’m known now as “The one who just lost her mom”….or “Careful!!!! She’s a loose canon these days!”
I get it…. I do…. I really do…. I do. No one wants to be around Debbie Downer.
I guess I should drink a coke and eat a banana since that was your cure for anything and everything.
Stomach ache? Drink a coke and eat a banana.
Migraine headache? Drink a coke and eat a banana.
The thing is though that even though I’m sad I normally would be obsessing about how I appear to others. The old me would automatically think that I should be happy by now…put on my smile and fake like everything is ok at all times…throw myself into a whirl of activities and stay busy from morning until night. The old me would be worrying that others won’t want to be around me anymore because I’m sad…. here comes Debbie Downer! Quick! Run and hide!
Then there’s the new me. I like the new me. I like her a lot! I’m learning as I go but I like the newer me a lot more than the old me. The new me welcomes each day praying to God even before my eyes open. The new me is honest with how I feel….happy and sad. It’s SO liberating to be who I am and finally for the first time in my life not worry about how I appear to anyone else. Everything comes from my heart… the laughter, the gratitude, the tears, the wailing, my words, the good and the bad… all from my heart.
The only person I want to impress is God. That’s it.
I’m listening with my heart and taking each day as it comes… and that’s ok.
I backed out of the half marathon. I’m not ready and haven’t trained since you died. I’m sad to back down and not finish something I said I was going to do but I’m giving myself a break for once and not taking on the world. I don’t think I could bear it either because you were the only one there for me last year when I was all myself. You took care of the girls and were my biggest cheerleader. I can’t run because I would be looking for you at the finish line and I know you aren’t there. There’s no desire for me to run, prove something to myself, be my best anything right now. I need to give myself some grace and be at peace.
I miss you momma. Every day I miss you.