Lauren woke me up like clockwork just now. She’s settled with Strawberry Shortcake on Netflix and I’m in the front room on your couch wrapped in your ivory blanket that smells like you. I think I’m going to wear this all day today and be queen of my own broken self. I couldn’t bring myself to go to St Pete to finalize your house because I’m such a mess. I am where I am and I’m allowing myself to grieve.
Even though I am emotionally all over the place I believe there’s strength in that because I’ve never pushed away my grief or sadness. Every time I have felt something I have allowed myself to feel it. I stop in the moment and no matter where I am I allow it to come in and come through. People mean well when they say that my mother wouldn’t want me to be sad but I think (I know) that mom, what you would want is to hold me and allow me to feel what I feel. You would always listen to me and tell me you understand…..it’s what I need right now. It’s the ONLY thing I need right now.
I’m a mess but I’m ok. I’m not going to get down on myself and think I should be doing anything any better than I am. I’m here in this time in my life for a reason and while it is one I would never have chosen I believe that God will work through me to somehow be a comfort or quite possibly lead others to Jesus.
Satan has come fully equipped to tear me down this weekend. I’ve been hit with landmines you can’t even imagine mom! At one point I just stopped and said out loud “This is Satan!” Sure as the turned up, bought and paid for nose on my face…. this is Satan! Throwing things at me to knock me down. Bringing in situations from out of nowhere! Satan wants me to fail. He wants me to fall. He thrives on my worry, chaos, and anger. He plants seeds that I rip out daily.
So while Satan is fully equipped…so am I. I might be sad and grieving but I am solid in who I am in Christ. I am the daughter of a king and the crown might be on messy, unwashed hair I proudly wear it every day!
So here I am mom, queen of my broken self, wrapped in your ivory blanket, wearing the crown given by God. Not bad for a Sunday morning right? I love and miss you….I miss you so much.