I’m being haunted…by myself. Ghosts of an old me are drifting in and through moments of my day and I’m not liking her. The skinny ghost…the one who weighed 118 on her best day. The ghost with long hair…she floats through too. The tan ghost…oh well…I know now that pale is actually ok. I’m taking way better care of my skin! The size 4 ghost…where are my sweatpants even though it’s 95 degrees right?
Those are surface ghosts…the superficial ones that manifest whenever I see “post workout posts from Facebook friends”. I’m proud of my beautiful friends and all their efforts to be fit. Trust me ladies, you’ve more than earned the right to post your amazing figures, your calorie count, and how many miles you ran. I’m proud of you.
But my beautiful ghost is haunting me. Easy enough to fix right? Get off your butt and go for a run. Typing the words actually triggers a physical response …terror. It’s so raw that I’m writing this but I feel I need to get it out by at least saying it.
My biggest ghost is running. I used to run every day and I used to love it. It didn’t matter if it was a short two or if I was training for a half marathon I loved running. If I was ever in a store the only section I’d go to was the workout section. I’d ask for running shoes for Christmas. Cold mornings were so exciting for me because I knew I could run farther and I couldn’t wait . I’d find great music to download on my iPod and away I’d go. Just me…running, or I’d run with a friend.
I can’t do it. I’m too scared to. I’m pretty sure I know why and I’m scared to bring that to the surface. The last half marathon I ran my mom came to help with the girls because Craig was out of town. She cheered me on and was there for the whole thing. I wasn’t alone because she was there.
I’m haunted because it’s a part of my life that I used to be so proud of. I was proud of how I looked and felt but it’s also a part that emotionally was so tangled…like that stupid spider web you walk into and immediately you look like a karate ninja…you know what I’m talking about. I’m not that spider web of a mess anymore but I feel like every time I see people running it triggers a very strong physical response from me. I cry. Do you know how many runners there are in Celebration? I do! I’ve got the Kleenex to prove it!
I had a runner friend ask me the other day to join her in a 10K and I could barely get the words out that I didn’t run anymore. Her face was shocked. That and all the other sub-ghosts swirling around are telling me it’s time to chase this ghost away but I’m scared .
I had a wonderful visit with a friend last week and we opened the Bible and meditated on a random chapter…a randomly chosen chapter by us but not by God. It was Hebrews 12. After reading it she asked me what stood out to me and why. I didn’t share the initial thing that jumped off the page but I will here: verses 1-3: ‘And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding it’s shame.’
God puts those words in front of me. He knows my ghosts, and the word that jumped out at me was ‘run’. I need to get past my ghost of running and I know how to chase it away: by keeping my eyes on Jesus. I’m still so scared. Help quiet my fears Lord Jesus, help me chase this ghost away. I can’t do it on my own. Honestly, I’m so scared. Love and belief everyone❤️